Practical and Logical
by Jam Cow
Summary: How battles would have been done in the Naruto world if Naruto used logic. Oneshot.


"Oi! Jiji!" Naruto came through the door

"What is it Naruto?" the Hokage smiled kindly

"You know how ninjas water walk right?

"Yes?" the Hiruzen answered warily

"SO, I'm like, why not do that with air? Ya know?" Naruto said exuberantly

"Oh?" he dreaded

"Then I push a TON of chakra out of my body, and now I can fly! See?" Naruto floated up in the air

"Ah..." he breathed out faintly

"Look at me Jiji! the blonde laughed

"Naruto" Sarutobi began seriously,"I need you to be careful when you fly okay?"

"Hai Hai" Naruto waved his hand lazily

"Anyway Jiji, I need to prank! Bye!" he flew to the window

"Naruto wait!" the Hokage called out

"Hey Sensei! I'm back-OOF! WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!" Jiraiya screamed as he fell to the busy streets below

The old man winced as he heard the "CRASH!" and the startled yelp by a passerby.

Naruto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"Oops?"

Sarutobi massaged his head as he tried to manage the incoming headache

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Kakashi stared at the blonde in front of him, trying to figure out what was up.

"Why are you looking at me like that? he finally asked

Naruto stopped squinting for a moment, "Oh, I'm not looking at you, I'm looking at your book."

"Aren't you a little young-"

"Ah- Ha! That's where I've seen it" he snapped his fingers

Naruto pulled out a book from his pouch, the next Icha Icha book in the series.

"Where did you get that!?"

"Oh this?" Naruto shrugged "I just took it from white haired dude sitting on a toad."

"Can you give it to me?"

Naruto decided it was time to use it as leverage.

"Will you pass us?" he negotiated

"Mmm...I'm sorry-"

"Ah! Apparently Mimi f***s Issei but his other girlfriend..." he held a small flame towards the book

Kakashi eye widened. He was going to burn the only copy of the book and leave him off with a cliffhanger!

He couldn't imagine a worse pain! Well other than being stabbed 20 times or being poisoned to death, maybe torture...

Yeah there were pains a lot worse. But! Kakashi would rather not feel any pain.

"WAIT STOP!" he yelled out

"You going to pass us?" he asked again

"Look I'm sorry-" Naruto held a flame to the book again

"STOP!" he pleaded

"Here's how it goes, either you pass us or..." Naruto held the book even closer the the flame

"FINE!" he snapped

"I'll pass you" he sighed

"Ah glad we could work out an agreement!" Naruto said happily as he handed over the book

Kakashi dreaded the future

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Zabuza looked at the blonde in front of him.

"So..." he drawled, "You're not even slightly afraid?"

Naruto smiled, "Nah, I got an idea!"

"Tch. As if your petty plan would-oh..." he suddenly looked worried when Naruto produced a toaster out of nowhere

"Let go of our sensei!" he yelled out

Zabuza considered the two choices, he could let Kakashi go and fight him again, or he could get electrocuted, but what's to say the kid wouldn't electrocute him when let go of the sensei? Decisions decisions...

"Hey! You listen to me!" Naruto held the toaster up in the air as if it were a menacing manner

"Fine! You can you're stupid sensei back!" Zabuza finally yelled out

"Yes!" Naruto pumped a fist in the air, unintentionally dropping the toaster, much to Zabuza's displeasure

"ZZBZBTTTBBZZBBSRBTBBT!" Zabuza gurgled out

"Hehe...oops." Naruto grinned sheepishly

"ZBZBBZSSTBTTB!"

Oh! Kakashi was there too!

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(In Haku's mirrors)

"Sasuke!" he yelled out

"What!" Sasuke yelled back

"I got a way out!"

"What is it!"

"Look!"

Everybody watched and face palmed when Naruto shimmied through the mirrors.

Haku made a mental note to shorten the gaps next time.

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Naruto stared at the test in front of him.

How the fuck was he supposed to do this!

Closing his eyes, Naruto took a deep breath. He was going to do this shit!

Discreetly, Naruto made a Kage Bunshin as a henged fly.

The fly flew out of the room which turned into a naked girl.

Then the girl entered the classroom.

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Ibiki turned to the door when he heard it opening.

"Nobody is allowed in he-" Ibiki stopped short when he saw the naked girl

Said girl jumped on Ibiki.

Then almost all male population flew back with nosebleeds.

Almost all of of the female population had furious expressions on their faces as they jumped on the girl, much horror to the clone.

Naruto quickly dashed down through all the chaos, and came back up with the answer sheet.

"Whew! Huh?" he turned to Hinata

"You want to copy this to?" he asked

Hinata just stared at Naruto in shock

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Kakashi sighed as he looked at the screen.

He pinched the bridge of his nose, accepting Naruto's unorthodox methods broke everything it meant to be a ninja.

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Team 7 stared at the entrance to the Forest of Death.

Naruto turned to his teammates with a smile.

"Hey I got an idea!"

Sasuke and Sakura braced themselves for the worst.

Naruto made a shadow clone.

"Hey" he said to the clone,"Do you know those things in snow country they call "cars"?"

The clone nodded

"Great! Transform into it!" The clone complied

Suddenly a truck appeared.

"Come on!" he beckoned over to his teammates

(A minute later)

"Everybody's seat belts on?" he asked

Sasuke and Sakura nodded.

"Alright, here we GO! Naruto yelled out

Sasuke and Sakura screamed and held onto each other for dear life as they sped off.

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(Meanwhile...)

"You got that Kabuto?" Orochimaru finishes

"Hai! Orochimaru-sama!" Kabuto replied

Then they heard a noise.

"Huh? What's that-"

"BRRAAMMM!" Kabuto and Orochimaru were sent flying when they were hit by the car

Naruto quickly got out of the car.

"Oh shit!" Naruto panicked

"Wait, what's Orochimaru doing here?" he asked to his teammates

Sasuke and Sakura were too busy puking their innards out.

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Naruto gave everybody on his team a gas mask.

"What's this for?" Sakura asked

"Just put them on" Naruto said before going down to the fighting arena.

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Kiba smirked as he looked at Naruto.

"Heh! Akamaru, we got lucky! This is gonna be a breeze!"

Hayate started the match.

"Hajame!"

Naruto put on a mask and pulled a scroll.

Kiba looked suspiciously at the scroll.

"Hey what's that for!" he asked from the other side of the arena

Naruto just looked away and pulled open the scroll.

Out came some moldy food, smelly socks, dog shit, sardines, a crap load of garbage, and- a dead body? Nobody could tell.

Everybody blanched immediately and started choking on the smell.

Kiba and Akamaru passed out when a, brain?, smacked them in the face.

"Naruto is the winner!" Hayate barely got out before covering his face again.

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Neji looked at the boy in front of him.

He heard about the infamous Naruto Uzumaki and how he could defeat any enemy with common sense.

" _No."_ he thought to himself, _"Nothing can beat the Byakugan and my ultimate defense."_

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(Meanwhile)

Kakashi, Sasuke, and Sakura were betting basically everybody in the whole stadium that Naruto would win.

Everybody was sure that the Hyuuga prodigy would beat up the Uzumaki.

Team 7 was sure Naruto would come up with some mundane way of winning the fight.

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"Hajame!" started the proctor

Neji rushed in for the first strike, intent of getting in the first hit.

Everybody leaned in, thinking the battle over.

Neji reached out his finger tips, aiming to close Uzumaki's tenketsu points.

And then...

Naruto pepper sprayed Neji in the eyes.

"AH! MY EYES!" Neji screamed out

Everybody face faulted at how stupid the method was to beat the amazing Hyuuga prodigy.

Team seven already imagining swimming in all the money they were going to make.

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Orochimaru and Sarutobi stared off at each other killing intent leaking everywhere.

They prepared themselves for the fight bringing up their hands to start their jutsu.

And then-

BOOM!

Naruto popped out of the hole.

And all tense and battle ready atmosphere was shattered.

"Naruto!" the Hokage yelled out shocked, "How did you get here?"

"Oh! That was really easy! You see, I was like, avoid the purple so I don't end up like that ANBU guy out there-"

He pointed to the singed ANBU.

"So then, I noticed the floor wasn't purple!" he pointed to the ground which was completely purple-less.

"And then BOOM!" he made an exaggerated movements

And everybody sighed at how stupid they were not to notice such a thing

"Wait!" interrupted Orochimaru

"What about the Ichibi Jinchurriki?" he asked

"Oh, well..."

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"Hey Gaara!" Naruto said

Gaara turned to him ready to kill.

"I know how to make you sleep!"

Ichibi was was startled by the sudden declaration.

But then it was intrigued. As far as she knew nothing anybody tried had successfully done it.

"Mother says that she will let you try, she says you will fail." stated Gaara

Naruto raised his hands into a placating gesture as he walked forwards to the red head.

He got in close, and then...

BAM

Naruto socked him in the head and knocked Gaara out.

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The Ichibi stared, gaping. Then it started groaning in frustration,

" **Dammit!** " it yelled out

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"-and that was how I beat the One tailed jinchuuriki." Naruto proudly stated

Orochimaru growled at the blonde that ruined most of his plan for conquering Konoha.

Naruto shifted his gaze to Orochimaru.

"And now I have to beat the pale ass bastard."

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 **And that's a wrap! Tell me if you people liked it! Do you want a sequel? If so what scenes? Review to tell me!**


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